who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
