I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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