I think I died a long time ago.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
