Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
