420 ftw
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
