I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
