college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
