There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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