Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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