I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
