Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
