it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
