So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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