Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
