I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
