As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
