Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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