I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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