i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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