I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize