i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
