What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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