just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
