She is in my trunk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize