wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
