Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
