I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
