Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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