Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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