He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
