I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize