I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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