someone get that fucking seahorse.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize