At least make sure they are 18
Why
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
