I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize