so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
