Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
