it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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