I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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