My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
