You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Shitshow foam night was such a success
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My bed smells like the plague
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
