Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
