Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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