3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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