Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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