I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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