going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
