I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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