Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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