Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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