you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
