I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
