I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
