i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
